Have you ever been called, “too much?”

How about, “too quiet,” or “too sensitive?”

Those judgements from others about how we should be can erode our confidence.

Especially when they come from people we love and admire.

In Luvvie Ajayi Jones’ new book, Professional Troublemaker: The Fear-Fighter Manual, she says that when someone calls you “too” something, it’s more of a statement on them than it is on you.

Still, it can be hard to remember that in the moment, or when those words begin to fill you with self-doubt.

By knowing and owning who you are, you can begin to build confidence in yourself that withstands hurtful criticism from others.

Because when you stand strong in who you are, no one can take that away from you.

Impostor Syndrome is a psychological phenomenon involving the belief that you’re inadequate, incompetent, and a complete failure despite evidence that you actually are successful. It’s also the inability to believe that you deserve success or that you achieved success as a result of your own efforts, skills, or expertise.

Impostor Syndrome affects about 70% of the population, and minority groups, including women, people of color, and people being “the first” are disproportionately affected.

How often do you put yourself first?

If you’re like most women I know, then it’s not often.

As women, we’re wired to care about the needs of others, to make everyone around us feel comfortable and taken care of. That’s an important quality of a strong, feminine leader.

That same line of thinking also creates opportunity for comparison. We’re constantly comparing ourselves to those around us, putting others on pedestals, and thinking that their needs are more important than our own.

We think if we selflessly give to others, or sacrifice what we want for what other people want, we’ll get those people to like and respect us. We derive our sense of value from the approval of others.

And in doing so, we’re sending a signal to our brain that we’re not worthy of spending time on ourselves. That we don’t deserve to put ourselves first because other people need us.

Putting someone else’s needs before your own makes you believe, even subconsciously, that they are inherently more worthy than you.

You’ve built up great skills and experience in your current role, and now you’re ready to move on to the next level.

Or maybe you’ve spent the past ten years in the same company or field, and now you’re ready to shift gears and transition to a new industry.

Or perhaps you’re struggling to keep yourself motivated at a job that doesn’t align with your values, or one where your ideas or opinions are constantly challenged.

Whatever situation you find yourself in, you’re ready to look for a new job.

You know the tactical things you need to do before starting your job search – updating your resume and LinkedIn profile, reaching out to former colleagues or mentors to learn about job opportunities, making a list of the top companies or job titles you’ll search for.

But you may be overlooking the most powerful tool in your job search arsenal: your mindset.

“You’re not good enough.”

“No one will pay you for this.”

“Who are you to give people advice on being confident?”

These are just a few of the thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis.

As soon as I became a full-time entrepreneur, I started to question every move, every decision, every program or service I designed.

As a healthcare executive, I rarely questioned myself. I believed in my ability to be successful in my job, and I often heard great feedback on my programs and training from colleagues and supervisors.

But even though I still hear great feedback from my clients and friends, I don’t believe them.

Oh boy, this is a big one.

We’ve all had moments in our lives when fear stopped us from doing something. Whether that was setting up an online dating profile, buying a new car or starting a new job. Think about a time in your life when fear stopped you in your tracks. What thoughts ran through your head? What emotions did you experience?

I’ve pushed through a lot of fearful thoughts in my life: I was afraid to go to college 10 hours away from my family, I was afraid to leave my six-figure job for an uncertain future, and I was afraid to start coaching. My dad passed away in 2011, and the one thing he taught me that I continue to teach others is to always do the thing that scares you.

Because here’s the thing about fear: it’s only as powerful as you make it.

Ever have that feeling that you just don’t fit in?

Maybe it’s at work or with a new group of friends. You try really hard to impress them, you give up part of who you are to be like who they are, but at the end of the day, something doesn’t feel right.

That’s how I felt in my last day job. I knew the organization’s values were different from my own, but I didn’t want that to be an issue because I cared deeply about the work I was doing.

But it was always an issue because I wasn’t being true to myself. My confidence plummeted, I felt like I could never live up to who my boss wanted me to be, and I lost a sense of who I was.

That sense? That’s self-awareness. That feeling that what you’re doing isn’t matching up with who you are on the inside. That inner wisdom that you stand for something bigger, or you’re meant for something more.

Self-awareness is the most important quality any woman can have. When we focus our attention on ourselves, we evaluate and compare our current behavior to our internal standards and values.

Knowing and understanding ourselves are powerful guides toward living our best life. Improving our self-awareness builds confidence to help direct us on our life’s path.

You made it! You’re traveling the world and living your dream life. Remember back in 2016 when you first dreamed of this moment? Remember sitting in your blue paisley chair visualizing how it would feel to make an impact on millions of lives?

You inspire women across the world to believe in themselves and have the confidence to pursue their goals. You teach women in Cambodia, Myanmar, Thailand the skills they need to start their own business. Many underserved communities benefit from your work.

As you know, this didn’t happen overnight. The road to success was not an easy one; there were potholes, pitfalls, ditches, sudden turns.

I’ll be the first to admit it – I don’t always believe in myself.

My inner critic tells me I’m too young to be an expert. That I don’t know enough about business or marketing. That no one will want my services. That I’m not pretty unless I’m wearing makeup.

Sound familiar?

That nasty voice in your head that tells you you’re not good enough to do the thing you want to do is stealing your confidence.

You likely have an idea of how more confidence would impact your life – or you wouldn’t be here.

In case you need a reminder, confidence improves your chances in the dating game and in relationships. It increases our perceived physical attractiveness by others and improves our performance at work. It even improves our mental and physical health.

But we can’t live healthy, confident lives when our inner critic is screaming that we’re not enough.

So much of what we say about ourselves is negative. Affirmations give us the opportunity to choose words that help create or eliminate something in our lives, such as creating success or confidence or healthy relationships, and eliminating low self-esteem, destructive behaviors and even pain.

Affirmations help us retrain our thinking and speaking into positive patterns so we can truly transform our lives. We can get more of what we want and less of what we don’t.

But be careful because everything we say is an affirmation. Every thought, every sentence is just confirming what we want in life.

So, if you say “I’m so happy and grateful now that I lost 20 pounds,” one minute, then say “this won’t work” the next minute, which one do you think will win out? The second one!

Negative thought patterns are so deeply ingrained in all of us, and it’s really hard to break them. Practicing positive affirmations is one way to break that cycle.