6 Ways You’re Holding Yourself Back at Work

Women are asking for promotions and negotiating salaries at the same rate as men. We’re showing up at work, committed to our companies and careers. And this translates to more women in senior and C-suite leadership positions across the country.

Yet, women continue to be underrepresented at every level of leadership.

The 2019 McKinsey report, Women in the Workplace, revealed that men said the biggest obstacle to parity in leadership was having too few qualified women in the pipeline, while women said they are being judged by different standards.

In reality, the research shows that the biggest opportunity isn’t in breaking the glass ceiling, but in what they term the “broken rung.”

The broken rung is the first step up, from individual contributor to manager. In fact, for every 100 men promoted to first-level manager, only 72 white women were promoted and 58 black women were promoted to this level.

While organizations need to focus their equity practices on hiring and promoting diverse women to the first level of leadership, women have a role to play, too.

Because we may not see ourselves represented in different levels of leadership, we can feel discouraged from taking the steps to develop our leadership potential. We can unintentionally hold ourselves back if we believe there won’t be a space for us at the table.

We can focus on the things we can control; I call these, “Brilliance Blockers,” because holding ourselves back blocks our ability to let our brilliance shine. And when our companies create more opportunities for us to leap to that first level of leadership, we’ll be ready.

Here are 6 Ways You’re Holding Yourself Back at Work:

1. You don’t recognize your strengths

When we think about the things we want to improve about ourselves, chances are, we choose a weakness over a strength. But focusing on our weaknesses leads to low self-esteem and reduces our chances to reach our full potential. In fact, studies show that when we focus on developing our strengths, we grow faster than when trying to improve our weaknesses.

Gallup, the company whose researchers created StrengthsFinder, reports that people who use their strengths every day are three times more likely to live a higher quality of life. They found that people are happier, have less stress or anger, achieve their goals, have more respect from others, and are more engaged at work.

Understanding our strengths gives us a new language for understanding and discussing what we naturally do best, because, let’s face it – it can be hard to talk about ourselves without sounding braggy! The first step is to learn what our strengths are, and the second is to recognize our strengths in action. When we own and recognize our strengths, we can understand how to use them to advance at work.

One way to identify your strengths is by taking the StrengthsFinder assessment. You’ll get a report of your Top 5 Themes, and what they say about you. But an often-overlooked way to identify your strengths is by asking others what you do best.

Sometimes, we need others to hold up a mirror for us to see who we truly are. By asking trusted friends, colleagues, and mentors about the things you do well, you’ll get an outsider’s perspective of how you naturally shine. And, you’ll get real, tangible examples of times you excelled at work.

To discover your strengths, start by making a list of 10 people whose opinion you trust. Make it a list of people from diverse areas of your life – your work, school, volunteer roles, committees, etc. Email, call, or ask to meet in person, and ask them to tell you a time when you were at your very best.

Once you get the feedback from everyone, go through each example to look for themes. Are these examples about times when you used your analytical, strategic, or technical skills? Are they times when you followed through on something you promised? Perhaps they are examples about empathy, compassion, or caring. Make a list of these themes.

Now that you know your strengths, you can start to recognize them in yourself. That presentation that you rocked? That was your communication strength at work. The colleague you helped solve a difficult problem? Your problem solving skill or ability to develop others. When you recognize your strengths, you can then identify ways in which you can use these strengths to advance to that first level of leadership.

2. You allow FOD to take over

FOD – fear, overwhelm, and doubt – show up when we have a new project or opportunity in front of us. Fear tells us it’s too risky or dangerous, that we might fail. Overwhelm gives us too many options or choices to make. And doubt tells us we’ll never be good enough, so we might as well quit now.

We all experience these feelings. Fear is a natural and normal part of being human. We need some fear to protect us from the dangerous things in life. But advancing in our career isn’t one of those things.

Fear often shows up when we attempt to step out of our comfort zones. Coupled with overwhelm and doubt, FOD holds us back from going after the things we want. In our careers, it’s often a sign of the things we should run toward, not away from.

When my family dropped me off at college, they gave me a card with the Eleanor Roosevelt quote, “Do one thing every day that scares you.” That’s exactly how my dad lived his life, and it’s something I remind myself every day. Those scary things wouldn’t feel so scary if they weren’t important to us. In fact, I think there’s a really close bond between fear and excitement.

Instead of allowing fear to hold you back from taking on new projects or opportunities, or meeting new people at conferences or networking events, or speaking up at a meeting, what if you chose to feel excitement instead?

Making this simple mindset shift from fear to excitement helps put these opportunities in perspective. It tricks your reptile brain into feeling more positively about the next steps, instead of feeling threatened. Getting past your reptile brain is essential for moving past FOD. When your reptile brain feels threatened, it shuts down your executive brain functions. You can no longer think logically about the opportunity because your reptile brain sees it as dangerous. By consciously choosing to see things as exciting, you send a signal to your reptile brain that this opportunity is a good thing. That even if you fail, you won’t get hurt.

3. You make assumptions

We tend to assume the worst, don’t we? We assume that we did a terrible job on a project. That we won’t get the job or raise. That we don’t have what it takes to change careers or start a side hustle.

We even assume what people think of us. If you’re anything like me, then making assumptions about how other people see you keeps you in negative thought spirals for hours.

In his book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz writes:

“We have the tendency to make assumptions about everything. The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth. We could swear they are real. We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking — we take it personally — then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word. That is why whenever we make assumptions, we’re asking for problems. We make an assumption, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing.”

Assumptions hold us back when we feel like we won’t live up to someone else’s standards. They hold us back when we don’t see someone like us on the leadership team, and we assume there isn’t a place for us. They hold us back when we create internal drama and turmoil for no reason. This internal dialogue is so damaging – it increases our stress, anxiety, and can eventually lead to burnout.

Instead of making assumptions, ask for clarification. If you feel hurt by a colleague’s comments, ask them what they meant. If you assume you won’t get picked for a new project, ask the project lead what they’re looking for. If you assume you didn’t get something right, ask for feedback on your work.

Asking questions is a powerful way to show up at work. It shows that you’re paying attention and willing to get everyone on the same page. It also shows humility, curiosity, and transparency, which are three qualities needed in today’s complex workplace. Stop assuming and start asking.

4. You don’t advocate for yourself

How many times have you described your work on a project with the word, “we?” I’m guilty of this, too. The conventional wisdom says that using the word, “we” will show that we’re a team player, that we had shared responsibility in a task or project.

But using the word, “we,” doesn’t allow us to take personal responsibility for our part in the effort – whether we made a mistake or achieved a big goal. I learned this firsthand during the interview process for my current job. My firm uses a Topgrading approach to interviewing, and as I was recounting the great work my team and I did, the interviewer said, “That’s great. But we’re more interested in the role you had in the project. What exactly did YOU do?”

Advocating for yourself goes beyond asking for promotions and negotiating your salary (although you should continue doing that, too!). You also need to take credit for the work you did in a project or assignment, instead of sharing your credit with the entire group.

Chances are, your direct manager may not know everything you do on a daily basis, or how you contribute to the bottom line. That’s why, if you’re looking to be promoted to the first level of leadership, it’s critical that you start communicating your achievements to your leader.

You can do this by using the word, “I” in your project updates, or by sharing how you got involved in a new committee at work. Point out the ways you’re showing up, committing to the organization, and displaying your potential for a leadership role. If you don’t, then who will?

5. You don’t leverage your network

One thing that contributes to women’s rise in the workplace is our innate ability to build strong, genuine relationships with others. In fact, building relationships is essential for career growth and mobility.

And because we know that we should focus on our strengths rather than our weaknesses, we can take our relationship-building strength to the next level. That means, not only building relationships, but leveraging them for mutual benefit.

In the book How Women Rise, Sally Helgeson and Marshall Goldsmith write, “Most great careers are built not just on talent or hard work, but on the mutual exchange of benefits.” That is, women on the rise ask their peers for help, favors, support, and introductions that empower them to advance. And, they return the favor.

According to Helgeson, women’s style of networking tends to be less effective than that of their male counterparts at work because women are reluctant to ask the simple question, “How could this person be of benefit to me?”

You know by now that there’s nothing wrong with asking for help, so why does it feel so icky to ask a friend for a connection, resource, or introduction? People generally love being of service to others and will offer help in any way they can, and this is certainly true of people in your network who love and support you. All you have to do is ask.

6. You play by the old rules

The old rules say that women should be seen and not heard. That women are “too emotional” to hold leadership positions. That leaders should manage from a place of authority. That your team is there to make you look good. That results are more important than people. That if you’re not in the office, you’re not working.

Whether you work in a company whose culture promotes these outdated rules, or you subconsciously follow them because you want to be seen as “good girl,” these rules are holding you back.

Women were taught that to advance to higher levels of leadership, we needed to behave like men. We needed to command authority, to speak louder to have our voices heard, to do whatever it takes to get the job done, to leave our emotions (and our personal lives) out of the workplace.

How did that work out for us? Considering that women are still underrepresented in all levels of leadership and that gender parity is still hundreds of years away, my guess is (in the words of Dorinda Medley, “not well, bitch.”

One reason is that unconscious bias (from both men and women) shapes how others view this masculine behavior. Think of it this way, when men advocate for themselves or take a stand at work, they’re “assertive.” When women show the same behavior, they’re “aggressive.”

Joan C. Williams, author of What Works for Women at Work, explains that women have to walk a tightrope between being seen as too masculine (respected, but not liked), or too feminine (liked, but not respected). And this is a major obstacle holding women back.

Know this: you can’t please everyone. Not everyone will like and respect you at the same time. Instead, as I pointed out earlier, focus on leading with your natural strengths. If you’re someone who easily shows empathy and vulnerability, bring more of that to work. If you have a knack for bringing diverse groups together around a common goal, focus on shared decision-making instead of command-and-control.

Employees want leaders who care about them, who listen to them and make them feel heard, who can admit to making mistakes, who develop them and help them grow, and who create teams that feel like family. The good news is that women naturally lead that way, and it’s up to us to leverage our leadership strengths to overcome unconscious bias.

The Takeaway

While there are larger issues at hand, including unconscious bias, pay gaps, and systematic barriers towards women’s advancement, there are still ways that we can show up bolder, as the most authentic versions of ourselves.

No longer do we need to hide in the back of the conference room for fear that we may speak to loudly or offend someone with our brilliance. We are confident. We are powerful. We are here to change the world, one woman at a time.

Overcoming these six Brilliance Blockers is the key to building healthy confidence, leaping over that “broken rung,” and landing a role in the first level of leadership. And in doing so, you set the example for other women to do the same.

Take action now: Identify which of these Brilliance Blockers is causing you to hold yourself back at work. Grab your journal or the notes app on your phone and write down the ways you see this blocker show up at work. Next, write down one or two actions you can take this week to overcome it.

Then, let me know in the comments: what one action will you take this week to show up more brilliantly at work?