7 Lessons from 7 Years of Marriage
They say there’s this “seven-year itch,” where couples who’ve been together for seven years start to re-evaluate their relationship.
It’s a commonly held belief that at the seven-year mark, couples tend to fall into a slump, they start to get dissatisfied with their partners, and they start to question their feelings about the relationship.
I’m not a relationship expert, but I always thought this was an old wives’ tale or a myth made popular by the Marilyn Monroe movie of the same title.
So, as I approach my seventh year of marriage, and as I sat down to write this article, I did a little research.
Turns out, the seven-year itch is a real thing for many couples. According to some experts, the dissatisfaction at the seven-year mark doesn’t come from one major blow up or flaw, but from years of the “little things,” like blaming, criticizing, or trying to change your partner, adding up and eroding the relationship over time.
Relationships take work. That much has always been true.
And when you’re also working to find or live your purpose, it’s important that your partner supports your journey.
I’m not saying that my relationship is perfect – there’s no such thing. But of all the things I worry about in my life, I’m grateful that my marriage isn’t one of them.
And that’s the result of mutual respect, dedication, and commitment to living, loving, learning, growing and changing together over the last seven years.
How did we get here?
Here are 7 lessons from 7 years of marriage:
1. Support Each Other
You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with. And if you’re married or in a committed relationship, then it’s likely that one of those five people is your partner.
Take a look at your relationship. Is your partner someone who lifts you up, who encourages you to live your purpose, who supports your goals and dreams?
Just as it’s important to surround yourself with friends who support your journey, your partner has a major impact on whether you follow through with actions that will get you closer to your goals.
If your partner is someone who discourages your career goals or business ideas, you might be more inclined to find truth in what they’re saying: “She’s right, there are already a million bakeries out there. What’s the point in opening another one?” or “He’s successful in his career, so he must know what he’s talking about.” You might be more hesitant to take action on your goals because their approval is important to you.
On the other hand, if your partner is someone who encourages you to achieve your goals and take steps to live your purpose, you’ll be more likely to follow through on those action steps.
My husband, Blake, and I have supported each other from day one of our relationship. In the first year of our relationship, I lost my dad to lung cancer. I felt like I had to be strong for my family, so I was grateful for someone to support me through my grieving process.
That year, I also started graduate school. And although I worked part time, Blake worked 12-hour night shifts to pay for our apartment, groceries, and eventually, an engagement ring.
Our relationship has also been very reciprocal. When it was Blake’s turn to be in school full time, I was the breadwinner. I was proud to pay the rent for our townhouse each month and support Blake in finishing his degree.
That reciprocal support is critical for any successful relationship.
And all this goes for you, too. Are you the type of partner that encourages your beloved to take action on their goals? Do you support their dreams even if you don’t understand them? Relationships take effort on both sides, so if you want to be supported in living your purpose, it’s important that you also provide that sense of support and encouragement.
2. Grow Together
Share your hopes, goals, and dreams as often as you share your fears and doubts, then work toward those goals together.
Sometimes, when we have big goals and dreams for ourselves, we think we need to do everything on our own. Being in a great relationship means that you have someone who cares about your goals as if they were their own.
One thing that’s been essential in my relationship is having shared goals with Blake. The goals look different every year, but we always have something to work toward, together.
This year, we set a goal to pay off our credit card debt. We call it our “wealth-growth plan” because that sounds more fun and encouraging than “paying off debt.” We keep all of our money separate, so each month, we sit down to review our budgets, decide which debt to pay off next, then make a plan to tackle it together.
Debt is always something I’ve struggled with. So much so that in years past, if Blake would bring up the topic of budgets or money or personal finance, I would get really defensive, complain the whole time, or run into the bedroom crying. I carried a lot of shame around the debt I accumulated, and I didn’t want my husband to see that part of me, lest he’d finally realize I’m an irresponsible, impulsive, shopping-addicted fool.
Having a partner on this journey with me has been really encouraging and motivating. I don’t feel like I’m alone, I’ve worked through a lot of the shame and fear I had around money, and I’m learning so much about personal finance. I’ve grown so much in this area of my wellbeing, and it’s because I worked with my partner instead of trying to do it by myself.
3. Learn from Each Other
I’ve learned so much from Blake over the last seven years. He’s introduced me to music I never listened to before, foods I’ve never tried before, and places I’ve never been before. He taught me about energy and Qigong and the importance of balancing qi. He’s also tried to teach me about physics, but I struggled enough with that during college!
Your partner often has the best perspective of you and your strengths, and they can also help you identify where you need to learn or improve. They’re a great resource for you when you feel stuck or lost in your career or purpose.
When Blake and I first started dating, I was in grad school, and Blake was majoring in psychology. One day, we had the “what do you want to do with your life” conversation that most new couples have. Blake talked about becoming a professor and teaching others, which made sense, because he’s a gifted teacher. But something didn’t feel right.
He didn’t proclaim his future with the same sense of excitement and clarity that I had when I talked about someday becoming CEO of a hospital. It sounded more like he was settling for what he thought he could get, not what he really wanted. Or like he didn’t know what he wanted in the first place.
I remembered that he told me that he attended a specialized STEM high school, where he took advanced science and math courses. He’s also the smartest person I know – he can even finish a New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle! So I brought this perspective to his attention and asked the question that changed the course of our lives from that moment on: “why aren’t you an engineer?”
That subtle shift in perspective, allowing someone else to see the greatness that lies within us, is a powerful way to break through the thought processes and beliefs that hold us back from our true purpose in life.
A few weeks later, Blake changed his major to Materials Science & Engineering (of course he had to pick the most difficult one!). And now he’s using his strengths and talents as an engineer to make a difference in the world.
4. Always Shift Your Perspective
Speaking of perspective shifts, let’s get real. I love Blake, but there are a few habits of his that I don’t love. I know I’m not alone on this – there will always be things about your partner that annoy you or drive you crazy. Especially if you’ve been together for a long time.
In the honeymoon phase of your relationship, you probably think those habits are cute or you put up with them, because you’re just so happy to spend all your time with the other person. Then one day, you wake up and realize that no, you don’t like to see piles of shoes every time you walk through the front door.
Here’s the moment, especially after a long day at work, when you might feel the urge to yell or throw a fit or give your partner the cold shoulder. But it’s also the perfect moment to check in with yourself to see what beliefs are triggering your heightened emotions.
Remember, situations (like finding a collection of dirty coffee mugs in the living room) are neither positive nor negative. It’s our thoughts about them that make us react with anger or frustration or defensiveness.
I used to be the worst at this. I would get agitated at the littlest things, start an argument, then storm up to the bedroom. Hey, I’m not proud of it! But I started noticing that Blake never really got worked up about things. I never saw him angry, he never raised his voice. He always approached our spats with love, compassion, and understanding. The result of 20 years of practicing qigong and tai chi.
Which, at the time, made me feel even worse! I was ashamed at my own behavior and knew I wanted to change. So, I started paying more attention to my own thoughts and emotions, I started practicing mindfulness, and I kept watching Blake’s reactions to stressful situations. Over time, I started asking myself, “will this matter 10 minutes from now? 10 days from now? 10 years from now?” Usually, the answer was no. So I learned to let go and move on.
You can’t change your partner, but you can always change your perspective. Even the most perfect (for you) partner has their flaws that irk you. Instead of trying to change them, see if you can change your reaction to the quirks or habits you don’t like.
5. Create Your Own Space
If anyone ever asks me my secret to a happy marriage, I always respond with, “separate bathrooms.”
Now, I know there’s a lot of privilege in that statement. Not everyone has more than one bathroom in their home, and not everyone even has a home. I haven’t always had more than one bathroom, and I had to share a bathroom with two sisters growing up!
But I stand by my response, because it’s worked for us, so hear me out. :)
For the last four or so years, Blake and I have been fortunate enough to have separate bathrooms (even when we lived in a two-bedroom apartment). This obviously has numerous benefits: I don’t have to nag him to pick up his dirty towels or workout clothes, I don’t have to clean two sinks, and we both have the privacy we need to – you know – do our business.
If the seven-year itch is a result of all the little nags and criticisms adding up over time, then by having separate bathrooms, we’ve eliminated at least half of those little arguments! Plus, we keep the romance alive by keeping our secret habits in the bathroom where they belong.
But this secret to our happy marriage really isn’t about the bathroom itself. It’s about having a space that’s just mine and a space that’s just Blake’s. A space where I can take a bath or put on an aromatherapy diffuser or display my favorite skincare products. It’s somewhere I can go when I want to be alone or have a moment to myself to breathe.
It doesn’t have to be your own bathroom – it can be your altar or a workout area or your own office, or even your own drawer or closet. It could be your side of the bed or your side of a shelf. You need something that’s just yours, something that you enjoy, where you can be yourself. Where you can just be.
Before we had more than one bathroom, I used to hide in the bedroom closet! It wasn’t exactly a sacred space, but it was somewhere I could go and close the door for a few minutes and breathe the anxiety or overwhelm away.
So it’s really not about the bathroom. It’s about finding a space where you feel comfortable, comforted, and content. A space where you can take a moment to take some deep breaths, walk away from an argument, and find your center.
6. Find Your Thing
The thing about long-term relationships is that you spend an astonishing amount of time together. Seven years of marriage is 84 months, or 2,555 days, or 61,320 hours. That’s a lot of togetherness!
Of course, you likely spend 14,560 of those hours working and another 20,440 hours sleeping (if you don’t have kids or pets!). So what you do with your remaining 26,320 hours is important. If you want to actually enjoy all of those hours spent together, then it helps to find your “thing.”
Find something you can do together that deepens your relationship. If you have kids, find something that’s just for the two of you. Use your thing as an opportunity to choose pure enjoyment, pleasure, and the fullness that life has to offer. It could be an activity or your favorite place to visit.
Blake and I love traveling, food, and wine. Our thing is traveling to different wineries, both locally and across the United States. One of our favorite places to visit is Charlottesville, VA. We have a lot of history there – it’s one of the first trips we took together as a couple, we hosted our joint bachelor-bachelorette party there, and we frequently travel back there for our anniversary.
Another “thing” we love is cooking together. When we first started living together, Blake worked nights and I had class in the evenings. We didn’t have many days where we actually ate dinner together. When we did, we would take turns making our favorite meals for the other person. These were typically dishes we’d perfected over years of practice or ones inspired by recent restaurant experiences.
A few years ago, I was diagnosed with IBS and totally overhauled my diet. It took a lot of work to learn about the low-FODMAP diet, understand what I could and couldn’t eat, and figure out how to recreate our favorite dishes in a way that I could tolerate. It actually was a fun adventure! We started preparing our meals together because in the beginning, we had to make most things from scratch, and it was more efficient with two people.
As the years went by, we so enjoyed our time in the kitchen that it became a little ritual. We pour a glass of wine, put on some music, and get to work! It’s pure enjoyment. And, we get to enjoy the result of our hard work in the form of a great meal.
Finding our “thing” helps us stay connected in the hours we spend together. When we’re not cooking or visiting a winery, we reminisce about our travels or the best meals we’ve prepared. Plus, some of our deepest and best conversations were had over a succulent osso bucco or decadent Ridge Zinfandel.
7. Change Together
Although we’ve been married for seven years, Blake and I have been together for 10 years. I was 23 when we met, and he was 32. Needless to say, we’ve done a lot of growing and changing over that time!
We’ve changed jobs, careers, houses, cities, mindsets. We’ve changed our habits, belief systems, hobbies, diet, exercise routine, address. We’ve changed the style and quality of clothes we choose, the color and type of furniture we buy, and the tone and tenor of our conversations (with ourselves and each other).
One thing I know for sure is that I’m not the same woman Blake married seven years ago. And he’s not the same man I married. And that’s a beautiful thing.
I’m such a different person than that 23-year-old ambitious idealist who allowed herself to believe in love at first sight. I’m the same in many ways – I still want to save the world, I still love the Real Housewives, I’m still obsessed with shopping.
But I’m different. Renewed. Centered. I have a strong sense of who I am, what I believe in, and what I will and will not stand for. I know my core values, my strengths, and what I came to this Earth to do. I’m clear on my path, I set strong boundaries, and I know what I want from life.
And, while I can’t speak for Blake, I can confidently say that he’s also similar but different. He’s still patient, centered, adventurous. Maybe he’s more of those things. He’s also finding balance between kicking ass as an engineer and healing others through qigong. He’s celebrating his achievements.
As much as we’ve changed as individuals, we’ve also changed as a couple. We changed together. When you live with someone, you share energy. When you live with someone for a long time, your energy becomes one. It becomes aligned to a powerful force. If one person starts to change, the other will experience an energetic shift and begin their own transformation.
It’s hard to put into words, but that’s what I’ve experienced in my marriage. We share energy, we’re aligned energetically. One of us can’t change without the other. You won’t be the same people you married. You’re going to change – will it be together or apart? Embrace change as an energetic entity that can keep you growing, learning, and loving, together.
The Takeaway
These last seven years of marriage have taught me so much about myself and my relationship. I’ve grown together with my husband, I’ve become stronger in who I am as an individual, and we’ve built a life and relationship we’re proud of.
This article was hard for me to write because I’m not a relationship expert, and I don’t want to brag about my relationship when I know so many people struggle in theirs. A lot of impostor syndrome came up for me here. I can only hope the lessons I’ve learned inspire you, help you celebrate the everyday, or encourage you to find someone you can change with.
Take action now: What lessons have you learned from your relationship? How have they shaped your life? Share them in the comments!
If you’re struggling in your relationship, please consider reaching out to a Marriage & Family Therapist, a Relationship Coach, or the Domestic Abuse Hotline or resource in your area.
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